Reviewed: Time Warner Cable Service Representative, Unknown Male

I’m not even going to get into the whole, “but they said they were coming today” and “I waited a week for this appointment” and “it is still doing it, even if I reboot the box” and “don’t make me reboot the box again, I’m telling you that doesn’t fix it” and “for English, press 1.”

At 3:30 Angelique assured me that the reboot would fix it. I tried to trust her, even though I knew it wouldn’t. I even implored her to just stay on the phone with me a little bit longer until it started f-ing up again so that she could then send someone out. Thirty seconds after she hung up, it f-ed up again.

So I called back and got Unknown Male, let’s just call him Reeve, since that’s probably the exact opposite of what his name actually was. Reeve mumbled, “Remind me to tell you about our (unintelligible). This is (unintelligible), can I help you.” I explained the whole story to him, and then he interrupted me and said, “(unintelligible) next appointment is Tuesday between 8 and 6.”*

I said, “Actually, that’s not going to work for me. I need someone to come out today. Can I speak with someone else who can help me with this?”**

Reeve said, “Whatever” and transferred me to the weird hold music.

1 Star. I’m crying. I’m seriously crying.

*Numbers may be exaggerated.
**Implied calm and reasonable tone and diction may be exaggerated.

Guest Review: Antibiotics

Sure, every doctor's office in Iowa City is plastered with posters from the friendly Antibiotic Resistance Task Force of Greater Iowa reminding you that if you have a virus and take antibiotics, you are contributing to the eventual downfall of our species at the hands truly bad-ass super-bacteria. But you know what? I have to get on a plane in 24 hours and I just don't have time to worry about apocalypse. Are you a head cold or a sinus infection? Who cares? Write me a script for some tasty, tasty medicine or I'll make a scene in the waiting room. And if I wake up feeling better tomorrow, you know who I'm going to thank. I'm going to thank you, Azythromiacin.

87 stars. Yeah, you sometimes cause yeast infections, but who has time to be sick?

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Starred Review is now accepting guest reviews. Send us your reviews at starredreview@gmail.com. Please no attachments, just copy and paste into the body of the e-mail. Nothing over 500 words (although, even 400 words is pushing it so keep that in mind. Short attention spans, people.) Rate on a scale of 1-100 stars. And remember, we will be judging your work mercilessly.

Reviewed: Above the Influence commercials

Maybe it’s because I used to draw rudimentary cartoons of my family on Microsoft Paint, which I found hilarious but everyone else seemed unamused by, but I’m such a sucker for these cartoon commercials with the little dog. Awww, he’s just so cwute and cwuddly and then he posts up his wittle fwag. I mean, these commercials really work on me; drugs are bad.

The bald cartoon guy is like, “I feel bad. But if you did it with me I would feel less bad.” And then dog is like, “….” and trots away. There’s this doodly doo music in the background…(sigh). I think a little tug is made at all our hearts as we think about the times we’ve sold out our loved ones to feel less bad.*

50 stars, because after a little research, these commercials lost significant points (-50) since Above the Influence is the same organization that came up with that leeches crap (S.L.O.M.-ing? congratulations on finding something more annoying and ineffective than the truth commercials) but then rebounded with even further research, when I discovered a rumor that Souther Salazar is the artist behind the cartoons (+51!).

*Pointed Reference: Dude, you knew I didn’t want those Pumas as much as you, even though they were 2 for $120 and you only had 60 bucks.

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in reviews do not represent the opinions of this blog on any issues of prescription or recreational drug use.

Reviewed: Tommy Donnelly

Let's get one thing straight: The show isn't good. First of all, it introduces too many characters in the first episode making it impossible to really care about any of them. The narrator, Joey Ice Cream's presence and subsequent disappearance in some scenes is neither funny nor necessary. Sometimes they have New York accents and sometimes they sound a bit Irish, and other times they sound like any other person on television with a trained non-accent.

Oh, and they use the same story line in every episode. How many times is Jenny going to tell some guy she loves him, sleep with him, and tearfully leave him in the morning? Better yet, how many girls are "the one" for Tommy? So far we have Jenny, the wife of the guy he killed, and some other dude's wife in tonight's episode. The show will be cancelled in a couple of weeks and I know I will succumb to buying it on DVD. Why? Because of Tommy Donnelly.

He looks innocent, but there is blood on his shirt. He absolutely loves his mom and will do anything for her, which directly means that he will be completely devoted to me, once I snag him. And look at his brothers, (okay, not the older one with the limp, or that other one that looks like couldn't pass an elementary reading test, but the youngest one) if Tommy were to ever die in the melee, one of them would have to take care of me, right? AND, Tommy draws; he's a sensitive guy.

70 stars. I used to think I was a pretty decent judge of good and bad TV, but the Black Donnellys has sucked me in thanks to a hot lead male and my ever present desire to be right on the peripheral of the Irish Mob.

Reviewed: Current Rolling Stone magazine movie reviews (page 80-81)

Here’s what I want to know—is the writer of these movie reviews one of those MTV idiots that won the job on that show? I wish I knew. (Peter Travers, who are you?) As much as I usually love crappy reality television, I didn’t watch past the first episode of MTV’s recent flop. Anyway, the point being, who hired this Travers guy to write these moronic reviews?

This dude reviews The Shooter (Mark Wahlburg), Reign Over Me (Sandler/Cheadle), The Lookout (indie thriller with Jeff Daniels), I Think I Love My Wife (Chris Rock) and Premonition (Sandy Bullock) in the current issue of Rolling Stone. Here’s the thing—I may not be smart about music (only my closest friends know the humiliation of the first live concert I ever attended) but I friggin’ know movies and I’m not a snob. I’m open to anything under the sun save porn (…), and usually even the worst reviews of things--as long as they are written with aplomb--send me to the theater. I mean, really, isn’t that the point?

I think this is what Travers needs to get. People don’t read reviews to hear some imbecile declare the main characters’ names in The Shooter (Bob Lee Swagger and Nick Memphis) to be “great.” The last time I read phrases like “the plot thickens when” and “the web he spins will pull you in” (not to mention using “bogus” as a criticism) was in my high school newspaper.

Anyway I guess, who am I to be saying why people read reviews? All I know is why I do, which is to hear someone say something smart and interesting about something and tell me how to think. If I wanted to be influenced by a frat boy I would have gone to more football games in college.

1 Star. P.S. The Lookout also stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt but his name was too long to include above.

Reviewed: VH1's Movies That Rock

Since when is "Showgirls" a movie that rocks? Elizabeth Berkley's dance movies have not progressed since her "Saved by the Bell" days. Each close-up of her dancing shows this look on her face like she is trying to drop a deuce. She isn't graceful at all; she simply gyrates her body forcefully in an assortment of directions. Take for example her audition for the Las Vegas show. You see her lying on her back, on the floor, thrusting her pelvis violently into the air. This is not dancing and this is certainly not sexy. Spano, I think you are still too scared to really dance.

5 stars. I don't buy the storyline, I don't buy her dance moves, and I especially don't buy that it "rocks."