Thursday, February 21, 2008

Reviewed: Lindsay Lohan Poses as Marilyn

Not only do I own the Mean Girls DVD, but I also saw it in the theater twice. I initially saw it because I am a fan of Tina Fey and enjoyed her work on Saturday Night Live almost as much as I now enjoy Andy Samburg (Hot Rod shoutout). The second time I saw it I took my high school age sister thinking she would pick up on its feel good themes. By the end of the movie, I was wondering if my sister could teach me to dress like Lindsay. Before she dyed her hair blond and got scary skinny she was a beautiful, talented actress.

I'm not going to make any comparisons between her and Marilyn Monroe because, quite frankly, I don't think there are many to be made. However, remembering her acting skills of past, I thought she might do an adequate job recreating the Monroe photos. I was sadly mistaken.

I should mention, the amount of time I spend watching America's Next Top Model has allowed me to become a premier photo critique.

Her hands looked dead in most photos, limp and solid not indicating any fluid movement. Her eyes in many shots lacked emotion. She needed to dig deeper with the scarves, seduce the camera in the ways she certainly knows how (see above photo.) Had these pictures been for the pure amusement of my boyfriend --who commented on his appreciation of her big boobs-- I would understand the lack of feeling. However, these pictures were for New York magazine by a noted photographer. If only Nigel would have shot them.

35 stars: I do appreciate her freckles weren't airbrushed over.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Reviewed: Possible D2 Sighting

Yes, I’m talking about D2: The Mighty Ducks. I should say D2 and D3, actually, because Dean Portman was in both of them. The Bash Brother from Chicago. Today I was totally walking down the street in my neighborhood headed to the bank and this attractive guy in a long wool coat crossed my path. In my head I went, hey Dean Portman.

Anyway, at this point I’m not really sure if it was or wasn’t him. I mean, Dean Portman doesn’t exist no matter how much I wish he did. But I imdb-ed him and found out that the actor who so delightfully portrayed him, Aaron Lohr, is no stranger to Broadway. I just can’t see what reason he would have to be in Brooklyn on 5th Avenue ‘round 11th Street. There was a Payless, a sidewalk pillow sale, and a lunch cart selling meat pies.

But wouldn’t it be fabulous if it was him? Turns out besides being a Bash Bro, Aaron Lohr has played parts in tons of my other favorite shows; Sister, Sister, Family Matters, Step by Step, the Disney movie Newsies, and best of all….ready?....St. Elsewhere. Man oh man, Ed Begley, Jr. I can’t even imagine getting to meet that guy.

Oh, I don’t know, how about like a million stars. Cake-eater.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Reviewed: Life

I, too, will soon have a passport to call my own. I will put it carefully in the ancient blue folder/envelope that reads "Important Documents" on the outside my mother gave me with about a dozen notarized copies of my birth certificate. Like the birth certificates, I hope to one day find a use for my passport, but I am certainly glad to finally have one.

I started the day at Walgreen's where a strung out hippie, hands covered in blue ink and gold rings, took my picture. He pulled down a screen at the end of the aisle for me to stand in front of while a lady with a cart waited patiently to pass. Apparently I had my eyes closed in the first one, so he took three more. He never offered to show them to me and I didn't ask to see them. Despite his use of a digital camera and the modules anyone can print a picture from, he informed me it would be thirty minutes until my pictures were ready. Like Cass, I am unable to take a good picture; however, unlike Cass I don't possess a natural beauty. When the Ian from High Fidelity lookalike finally handed over my pictures I saw I was smirking and my eyes were barely open. As a matter of fact, the lady at the post office had to question Gary "The Picture Guy" if my picture was even acceptable.

Speaking of the Post Office, I had to make an appointment to file my application, which they clearly didn't want to make for me. I showed up and was told to go into a small room with a table and chairs. Finally a woman walked in through a secure, locked door on the other side of the room. She sat down and meticulously looked over my documents, crosschecking my application information to my birth certificate and periodically asking me questions like when I was leaving and where I intended to visit. She then scribbled a signature and slid the paper back for me to sign. She told me I could say the oath aloud, but I silently stared at it before scribbling my own name.

10 Stars: $90? I paid $100 for the ten year humiliation that is my passport picture.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Don't Miss the Cutedown!

Finally! The Cute With Chris Live Show is online. Kitties with laser eyes galore.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Reviewed: Life

It’s not anything noticeable, but something is different about me. Can you guess?

The answer is I’m finally a passport holder. (Forget the guessing thing, I was never into that game anyway.) Well, I will be in approximately two weeks. I was talking to a friend the other day who was appalled to discover I didn’t have mine. He’s a savvy traveler whose destinations constantly make me jealous. Someday I’m going to make him take me on a trip. (Which will be hard considering I hate flying, and considering what an awful traveler I am in general.)

First I got my passport photo, which is awful and completely my fault. I figured there was a 50/50 chance that not smiling would be better than smiling since smiling has gotten me nowhere in the past (ahem, check card.) At the moment when it counted I kind of thought that I was doing a barely noticeable half-smile, or at least a smile with my eyes, but the evidence proved contrary. The photo-clerk even gave me the option of going again, but I stupidly declined out of embarrassment that I might take such an awful picture twice.


Our loyal readers know my feelings about the post office, and once again today I wasn’t disappointed. Photo upset aside, I was legitimately excited to apply for my passport. I waited patiently and never once had bad thoughts about any of the postal employees or the other people in line. I was saintly. I practically pranced to the window. But then the lady behind the bulletproof 3-inch dingy plastic squashed my hope and sunshine right through the little change slot where I slid my papers. I don’t think she even once looked up between barking at me for a second form of ID and scrawling illegibly and trying to get her pen to work all over my carefully prepared application.

Ninety dollars, please.

15 Stars. On a side note, have any of our readers been to Niagara Falls? Recommended trip or not?