Reviewed: Alamo Rental Cars, 12th Street, Manhattan

One thing that happened when I rented a car last weekend was an employee almost ran me over, then tried to fight Joe. And then they didn’t have any small cars! I had reserved—weeks in advance, even—what was to be either a Hyundai Accent or similar. First they tried to give me a huge Pontiac sedan that had two mufflers. Then a homeless guy wandered into the garage and rented a car. The lady behind the counter had a hairdo like Dustin Hoffman in All the President’s Men. But it’s like, I rent a small car, I want a small car. You know?

(Note: Photo is not actual representation of 12th Alamo location, although hairdo is similar.)

1 star, for the homeless dude.

Reviewed: The Queen

I’m bored. When is this going to be over so I can get back to watching videos for the online Real World casting?

2 Stars. I'm voting for her.

Reviewed: lowercase L blog

This blog, chronicling instances in all-caps sign-making where the ‘L’ is left lowercase, is probably even more useless than ours. I mean, it’s okay to have a signature pet peeve. Mine is when people take scraps of trash, like straw wrappers, roll them into little balls and leave them within in my line of vision. But I’m not going to devote an entire blog to tracking down each occurrence, taking a picture, and writing cute captions like “FOR SAlE, indeed!” I really hope this dude is not serious.

0 stars. I remember when my sister told me about James Crawford in her homeroom, who rolled his boogers into balls and flicked them at people. Not all pet peeves are as interesting.

Reviewed: Top Chef judge Padma Lakshmi’s scar

That scar is fierce, and I never use that word. Give that doctor a medal…for being an ass. Because, really, not all scars look like that. I have two 4 inch-ers on my feet from surgery and after ten+ years they are barely noticeable.

Lucky for her she’s a knockout so the scar totally works. It’s a 6-inch, deep burgundy, raised scar on her upper right arm that she doesn’t bother hiding because she doesn’t need to. Her skin is so perfect the scar just looks like body jewelry.

Erg, this is making me mad. Life is so unfair.

66 Stars.

Reviewed: Ryan Seacrest in Knocked Up

How long have I been saying Seacrest is cool? (Probably not too long, actually. For obvious reasons, I was thinking it in secret.) There are a thousand reasons to enjoy Knocked Up but one of them is to see the rant Ryan Seacrest does on Jessica Simpson…and TRL-type celebrities in general. Maybe outing myself about Seacrest is a little premature, but I can’t help it, this guy is really funny. So what if he whores himself out to annoying celebrity droolfest shows like E! and whatever the frick that radio show is. He's gotta have money to buy Prada summer sandals and get mani-pedi's. I love it, Seacrest, I do. You go.

80 Stars. When Angelina Jolie acted like a total wench to him at the Golden Globes after he asked her about breakfast I wanted to tell her where she could shove her cereal. I wish there was an opinion poll to determine how many people hate Angie more than Seacrest. Oh wait…there is…

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Reviewed: Noticing

98 Stars. Weird.

Reviewed: Hidden Palms

I can’t decide how badly I want to kill the person who brought Dawson’s Creek creator Kevin Williamson back to TV. On one hand, his new show Hidden Palms looks like it is going to be one of those so-ridiculous-it’s-sickly-entertaining shows. On the other hand, when really annoying, barely-talented people enjoy success I get uncomfortable.

So the new show is pretty much just KW’s old show (Dawson’s Creek) but blatantly attempting to rip-off The O.C. Most of the soundtrack is the same—they even had the balls to snatch The O.C.’s famous Marissa-dies montage song—combined with some of the Garden State soundtrack, ensuring that Teen People is going to talk about how amazing the music on the show is. Even the two lead male actors are O.C. alums, one of them just a different version of Dawson: fugly hair? Check. stupid reason for staying a virgin? Check. artistic aspirations? Check (this time, in the form of a nerderific camera constantly hanging around his neck.)

The show will probably just get worse and worse, but pretend to be a serious drama, with that so-called “smart and witty” KW dialog to spice things up. At some point I’ll have to stop watching. Then I’ll never find out what the mystery is surrounding the one character that kicks a dog.

8 Stars.