Reviewed: General Hospital, 2009

Oh, GH, what are you doing? Let's get this straight: I'm no TV-snob. I'm consistently pulled in by any show airing on the CW (last night's Privileged--nice!). I love so much about what makes you bad: the mob bosses, the hitmen, the crazy paralyzed guy who can secretly walk, the deadly airborne poison that was just let loose in the hospital, Sonny Corinthos. I even love it that every character has been on the verge of death multiple times, purely because now that only 3 of the main characters actually have anything to do with the hospital you've gotta work it in somehow.

But now?

The brain-damaged mob boss/former hitman is the person in charge of the airborne poison disaster at the hospital? His ex-girlfriend is "looking for stuff to do" to keep her busy, like running around in leather pants with a gun? The FBI agent/terrible-acting dude is handling the disaster from his office pacing around on a cellphone? And his main contact with the quarantined hospital is the brain-damaged mob boss/former hitman (recently shot in the arm by his ex-girlfriend while he's in love with a dying nurse who is about to get back together with her ex-husband for the safety of hitman's secret baby)? And you killed Leyla?!

Stop it! Even others are noticing.

50 stars, purely because of the above clip, one of the more enjoyable moments.

Reviewed: Mentioning Leo DiCaprio at a party

To clarify, I’m talking about grown-up parties…not frat parties or slumber parties or the Party at the Moon Tower (which I’d like to get invited to before I die). I guess what I’m saying is, parties where most people would consider it unsafe to talk about their sudden and unexplainable love of Leo DiCaprio after seeing Blood Diamond. My problem is that I just don’t understand these limits. So when I found out that the young woman I had been talking to last Saturday had been to Africa…

In my defense, I had just watched the commentary track with director Edward Zwick, and if you haven’t done so yet, do it soon. Zwick is truly an artist and more importantly, a poet. I wish he could commentary my life. He even showed some man-love when pointing out the subtle flex of jaw Leo used in the role.

…but whatever, the girl didn’t need to get all high and mighty. It just supports my theory that most women, especially concerning things like feminism and Justin Timberlake, won’t admit the truth because of a crippling fear they might be judged. So look, Miss I-Thought-We-Were-Really-Clicking-There-For-A-Minute, I’m not afraid to say the truth. And if you want, I’ll burn you a copy of Futuresex/Lovesounds. Just don’t forget that you were the one who knew where he lived and then told me about it, twice. (Yeah, that’s right, I said I know Leo’s address. It’s not like I’m going to do anything about it.)

Honestly, I’m not even sure where I was going with this, so…50 stars, middle of the road.

Reviewed: Above the Influence commercials

Maybe it’s because I used to draw rudimentary cartoons of my family on Microsoft Paint, which I found hilarious but everyone else seemed unamused by, but I’m such a sucker for these cartoon commercials with the little dog. Awww, he’s just so cwute and cwuddly and then he posts up his wittle fwag. I mean, these commercials really work on me; drugs are bad.

The bald cartoon guy is like, “I feel bad. But if you did it with me I would feel less bad.” And then dog is like, “….” and trots away. There’s this doodly doo music in the background…(sigh). I think a little tug is made at all our hearts as we think about the times we’ve sold out our loved ones to feel less bad.*

50 stars, because after a little research, these commercials lost significant points (-50) since Above the Influence is the same organization that came up with that leeches crap (S.L.O.M.-ing? congratulations on finding something more annoying and ineffective than the truth commercials) but then rebounded with even further research, when I discovered a rumor that Souther Salazar is the artist behind the cartoons (+51!).

*Pointed Reference: Dude, you knew I didn’t want those Pumas as much as you, even though they were 2 for $120 and you only had 60 bucks.

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in reviews do not represent the opinions of this blog on any issues of prescription or recreational drug use.

Reviewed: (Insert Store Here) Gift Cards

Gift cards have enjoyed a rising popularity for sure, but count me out. I am officially jumping off the bandwagon. As gifts, I’ve found that after the initial joy of the “just like money!” feeling I become unusually tense with store gift cards. They begin to control my life. Before I journey out to the store in question, I sit for hours at my computer comparing prices on the different products I could possibly use the card on. Should I go with a new DVD or a new CD? Is jewelry a better investment than clothes, considering the upcoming season change? Do I want lotion or pants? Candy? Then I try to figure out what the best day and time would be to get to the store. I plan my route—subway or bus? Wednesday or Saturday? Do I want company or should I go alone? And what if the card is accidentally blank? What if I spend all but $1.27?

The whole process just makes me realize that I am not stable. Then I eat some M&Ms and watch Party of Five on DVD.

50 Stars. They work for some people.