Reviewed: Secret Clinical deodorant

I don't glow, I don't glisten, I don't do whatever pretty word you want to attach to a woman. I sweat. It is the middle of summer; it is the middle of winter: there is wetness under my arms. I have tried several different deodorants over the years from Teen Spirit to Adidas (come on, get serious, you guys make athletic equipment). That's why I was so excited for Secret's clinical strength formula. You think talking to your doctor about problems with backne is weird, try mustering up the courage to talk about the gallons of liquid that seep from your pores on a daily basis. That sentence was sick to write, I can't imagine what it is like to read. Secret Clinical was one of the biggest let-downs of my life, right up there with realizing I am the only one of my friends not to have found a career, a long-term relationship, or a house. Maybe it's because I can't seem to get my hygiene under control.

5 stars: I guess it is time to rethink botox.

Reviewed: VH1's Movies That Rock

Since when is "Showgirls" a movie that rocks? Elizabeth Berkley's dance movies have not progressed since her "Saved by the Bell" days. Each close-up of her dancing shows this look on her face like she is trying to drop a deuce. She isn't graceful at all; she simply gyrates her body forcefully in an assortment of directions. Take for example her audition for the Las Vegas show. You see her lying on her back, on the floor, thrusting her pelvis violently into the air. This is not dancing and this is certainly not sexy. Spano, I think you are still too scared to really dance.

5 stars. I don't buy the storyline, I don't buy her dance moves, and I especially don't buy that it "rocks."

Reviewed: Wasting Time on Bad Re-Runs to See Two Characters Get Together and Then Realizing It Wasn’t Worth It

It happened. And it was bad. Katie Holmes’ performance of Joey’s love declaration to Pacey (which was preceeded by a 10 minutes too long scene of Dawson telling her to go and then crying like a 9-year old as she leaves. Less is more, people, less is more) is super awful. Furthermore, Joey’s lines are like, “I knew I loved you the moment you kissed me” and the kiss is cold fish, man.

Boo.

The only entertainment I got from this final scene at Pacey’s boat as he’s about to set sail, the culmination of weeks of buildup between these two, was pretending that Joey’s “permission to board” line was a sudden kinky turn. But even then, I can hear the writer’s sighing as they wrote this scene, “Isn’t she cute?” (I hope they went on to see their careers fail miserably.)

5 Stars. I am now freed from my 9am weekdays addiction.