Reviewed: American Idol Gives Back

Today I finally got my e-receipt for my donation to Idol Gives Back. It’s probably not in good form to reveal all my amazing charitable donations but since I only did it for the chance to talk to Ryan Seacrest on air I get a free pass. I’m proud of myself (Pat, pat).

Aw geez, you know I kid, right? It was actually Bono that made me do it, and made me cry a little, to boot.

The charities under the Idol umbrella were all ones that struck a chord and always have with me. You can make fun of Idol all you want from your I-don’t-watch-TV platform high in the sky, but to me this was a good example of all the kind-of, sort-of amazing things that can come out of crazy American suburban tv-watching. The crazy viewership of Idol raised over 60 million.

The tv-watching public is beautiful after all, don’t you think.

99 Stars.

Reviewed: Dirty Dishes by Cynthia Rowley

After my wedding it was only about 6 months before all those beautiful dishes our friends and family bought for us started cracking and chipping and looking like hell. In fact, MACY’S, you jerks, I should probably be reviewing your shoddy craftsmanship (ahem, the Cellar) instead. Especially after I even nerded it up by taking the time to write you a letter and then you insisted it wasn’t your problem. Huff.

So, just two years later when we had to replace our dishes we went with the brighter whites collection from Fish’s Eddy, which is a fantastic place to get quirky and classic dishware, or hunt through their exhaustive vintage stuff for some unique finds. I couldn’t resist, while I was there, snagging a set of the Cynthia Rowley-designed “dirty” coffee cups, adorned with half-naked ladies lounging around the top.

Bright white with a fancy gold border-line where the lovely chicks lie exposing themselves, the cups are sweet little conversation pieces in my cupboards. Unfortunately, Joe is opposed to the idea that all of our dishes have naked ladies smiling back at us, but I’m hoping I can sneakily expand my collection.

93 Stars. To top it off the whole collection is currently 50% off.

Reviewed: Now What? By Ann Patchett

As it is nearing May and the time for graduates is upon us, Harper’s has done us a big ol’ favor and published this book. Now instead of buying Dr. Suess’ Oh, The Places You’ll Go, moms and dads across the nation have a new option. The book is the published essay of the commencement speech Ann Patchett gave at Sarah Lawrence College, tricked out with some “life-pondering” photography.

I should disclose that I’m a huge fan of Ann Patchett. I met her a couple years ago in Tallahassee and she is not only an amazing writer but a really lovely, charming lady as well. The essay is a perfect example of what I like about her—that she’s honest, unflinching and humorous and perfectly describes the post-college malaise so many of us find ourselves in. The essay caters to our kind, and by that I mean you, Gen Y, with your whiny find-yourself-self-involvement. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not criticizing—I’ve got it, too. Gone are the days of emerging from youth to suck it up and go to work in the coal mines. Now we get to ask ourselves, where do I really belong? Ugh, it’s atrocious. I sometimes get tired of myself.

So I was, of course, shiny-eyed with recognition at Patchett’s admission of too many years of wandering lost, waitressing at TGIFriday’s, trying to figure it all out. The essay is something us crazy kids should read, if we’re anywhere between 20 and 30, but the package it comes in, on the other hand, might make you want to poke your eyes out. I suspect that, to stretch the page count, the publisher stuck in as many inspiring images as they could. I mean, the amount of illustrations and photographs used to demonstrate for us dummies the idea of indecision (e.g., footprints in the sand going around in a circle, a lone figure standing before a giant maze) is really astounding.

The essay alone earns 90 stars. The packaging it comes in is so atrocious, I give it 4 stars. Moms and Dads, Grandmas and Grandpas, don't let me dissuade you; it will make a nice graduation gift.

Update: I just realized that, including the cover, there are no less than 3 pictures of mazes in this book.

Reviewed: August Rush

I really wish I didn’t—I truly wish it wasn’t true—but I watched this incredibly ridiculous movie this afternoon and enjoyed it. I don’t know, maybe I have diabetes or something, because this is the most idiotic movie I have seen in a long time and that means something coming from me; I once sat through feardotcom in the theater. But I’m the kind of person that, for the sake of a good story, I can usually suspend my disbelief easily. I do it willingly. It may be one of my only positive character traits.

In order to enjoy this movie, here’s what I had to convince myself of: when you are unconscious your dad can forge your name on your newborn’s adoption papers and then tell you your kid is dead, The Julliard School will take a runaway kid under their wing without calling the police because he’s a music prodigy, The Julliard School will then get that crazy runaway kid his own concert with the New York Philharmonic in Central Park, and if the dude who unknowingly impregnated his true love doesn’t know her last name in 1995 he can pine away for eleven years and then suddenly very easily find her address on the internet.

This is a bad movie. Yes, I liked it but I also like Young Guns 2.

27 Stars. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is gorgeous. I saw him at Jacques-moi’s in New Orleans about four years ago and he was bouncing around the bar looking all coked up. He looks better now.

Reviewed: Strathcona Hotel, Toronto

A lot of people wonder, why Toronto? We ignored those people. We went, we watched hockey, we ate some Tim Bits. It took us 12 hours to drive from New York. Google said it would only be 7. Of course, Google didn’t add in necessary breaks for candy and giant fun cranes.

Being in charge of the Toronto leg of the trip, I decided to treat my fellow reviewer and pull out the big (moderately priced) guns. When we pulled up to the hotel I let her take the bags up herself while I parked the car, so that she could open the door to our swanky accommodations first and drink in the hipness. She told me later that she gasped, and she even met me in the lobby and handed me the key so I could do the same when I went up.

Later that night, as we watched Juno on our 15 inch television, I laid on my bed underneath the two rectangular windows along the ceiling and thought about what the guy at the front desk said about window-breaking hobos in the parking garage. The city lights were shining in through the blinds and maybe that guy in the hallway near the ice machine was still talking about how the government knew about 9-11 and let it happen. Maybe. For now, I was just a world traveler, kicking up my feet after a long day, relaxing in my twin bed.

79 Stars.

Reviewed: MissGuided and Perez-Hate

There are lots of things I am able to forgive the American public for—Dancing with the Stars, Taco Bell, Hummers—but not Perez Hilton. I guess as a writer it incites a mini-rage in me to see a total and complete moron become successful for being bitchy. Because, really, I wouldn’t exactly categorize Perez Hilton as a bitch; he’s way too retarded for that. I guess I don’t really know what he is and what made him successful, but I really wish that the viewing public could take it all back.

Anyway, it has seemed so far that for whatever reason no one wants to mess with Perez...until now. Last night the Ashton Kutcher-produced new series MissGuided totally ripped the gossip idiot apart and it was hilarious. The show revolves around Judy Greer’s role as a guidance counselor at a typical high school, with Chris Parnell playing the hilarious assistant principal. When Parnell hunts down high school gossip blogger “Lindsey Lopez” who had posted a suggestive picture of him with a student wrestler on the mats, the mystery blogger behind the computer turns out to be a surly, overweight student with pink hair and attitude—ha!

Catch the show next time it is on, especially if you’ve been missing Parnell (I have.)

88 Stars.

Reviewed: Toronto Maple Leafs Vs. Philadelphia Flyers

The one and only thing we could think to do in Canada was attend an NHL game. As I tried to point out to my boss, what else do they have in Canada? It's not like they have the NFL, or the NBA, or the MBL. He counteracted with the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Bluejays. Regardless, Canada is the home of hockey.

We arrived at the game and found our seats after perusing the Maple Leaf memorabilia. Our seats were a few sections from the top, but really good. We could clearly see the rink and all the action, including the fight that broke out during the second period. It was the first game for both of us, but we have now become hardcore Philly fans. The goalie, Martin Biron, was amazing (editorial note: hot). Although he let in the 4 goals that ultimately won the game for Toronto, he saved about 50 others. Shots were constantly taken at him. The Toronto goalie even skated off the rink near the end, so another defensive player could take the ice. Other than Biron, Philly lacked a solid offensive strategy.

Since hockey is made up of three periods, that means there are TWO half-times. The half-time shows were some of the best I have ever seen. The first consisted of two 10 year-old hockey players attempting to make goals and win money for their respective little league teams. A montage of the player in action flashed across the jumbotron as his stats blared over the loudspeaker: "Josh has made a record 57 goals for his team the Mini-Rangers. He loves watching the Suite Life of Zach and Cody and hates his dad."

During the second intermission two dudes dressed in huge hockey puck outfits came to center ice in order to shoot goals and win money. The second guy only managed to make about 2 goals, so he was booed by anyone still in their seats not buying the $5 pizza slices. Cassie got our pizza just before the second break in order to miss the crowd; we should have just skipped the pizza. We should have gotten some beers instead. That way we could have toasted our drinks with the "ever-standing-drunk-guy" in a Flyers jersey.

82 stars: I know why fights break out in the hockey stands now. It is because of the eight year old girls screaming SHOOT in a tone that makes my ears bleed and their annoying father who won't stop uttering "you never know what's going to happen" in a slightly drunk lilt.

Also, take a moment to check out Biron up close.